You can't motorboat a personality
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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