his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize