this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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