I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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