I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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