What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize