Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
