Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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