see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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