I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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