if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Boobs speak an international language.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
