my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He passed out mid-signature
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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