my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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