You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
