too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize