it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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