i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
