so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize