what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
