bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize