he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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