in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
