I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
