Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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