I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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