Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
