3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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