Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i think i just lost a toe
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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