I accidentally burped into my bong.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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