I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
