My nipple is on Facebook.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
