cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
