sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
