And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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