the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
