Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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