so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
