Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Randomize
