Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think I died a long time ago.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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