Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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