I skipped work to stalk him.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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