Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
