I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Randomize
