The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We were destined to go to rehab together
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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