If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize