I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
