Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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