break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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