I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize