I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
