she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
this will be a night to untag.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
