I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
