I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
