WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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