Just fell off a train. Bad.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
