I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
